


Kill Your Double: Homestuck Edition

by NightmareLane



Category: Homestuck, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Crossover, Drabble, Episode: e019 The Sandstorm, M/M, depends on the feedback, i wrote this in like an hour rip me, may expand into a series, okay not purely but based around that, what do i even tag this as
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 00:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6352006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightmareLane/pseuds/NightmareLane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically a spin on Night Vale in which Dirk is Cecil and everything is weird at last, God almighty, weird at last. Got to talking with a RP partner and this just kinda happened.</p><p>I need a better title and an actual summary. Rip in carrots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kill Your Double: Homestuck Edition

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in like an hour and it's shit and unbeta'd. I'll eventually write the Desert Bluffs half, just as WTNV did, but tbh I'm just feeling really lazy after spitting this out.
> 
> Working Title: "comic sans fite me". i write all my things in comic sans prior to posting.

_ A strange desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and strange lights pass over our heads while we all pretend to sleep. _

 

_ Welcome to Night Vale _

 

_ \-- _

 

Dirk Strider loved his job. He didn’t know how long he’d had his job, nor did he recall ever sending in an application for it, but man did he love his job. Leaning in close to the mic and reporting the day’s news seemed like a boring task, but in Night Vale, nothing was ever boring.

 

That was partially because City Council had recently put a ban on being bored due to boredom causing workers to become ‘inefficient’ and ‘unhappy with their lives’. Honestly, if Dirk didn’t know better, he would say that CrockerCorp had taken over.

 

Still, Dirk loved his job, his little desert community, and his loving scientist boyfriend Jake English, with his perfect hair and silly buck teeth that were just so cute. So sometimes Dirk would get away from himself and fawn over the guy on-air, but it was so worth dropping his usually stoic mannerisms to get Jake all flustered and ‘Dirk, no, you can’t say those kind of things on the radio’!

 

“It seems, listeners, that there is some kind of disturbance out in the desert. A sandstorm seems to be passing through. Remember to lock your doors, cover your windows, and cower. Old Woman Nannasprite in the outskirts of town has informed me that her Erika- who is definitely  _ not _ an angel- says the sandstorm is of an unusual quality, as it it not sand being blown, but tiny pieces of glass and leaf matter and bits of viscera from various sacrificial animals.”

 

Dirk cleared his throat and shuffled the notes in his hands. “In other news, in a press conference earlier today, Mayor Vagabond released a statement in which he admits to having recently purchased about three hundred cans of various food items and is currently building a second, smaller town inside of his office. He has officially dubbed it ‘Can Town’ and has decided to make it Night Vale’s sister city. Can Town is a bustle of commerce and exciting tourist attractions, so this will be a great decision for the future of Night Vale.

 

“And now, a word from our sponsors. Faygo: the sweet stardust that will help you release your inner miracles. Need a refreshing beverage? We can quench your thirst. Want something sweet but low in calories? We have several diet options, all of them Moon Mist. Do you have the desire to kill all of your friends? We can help you hide the bodies. Faygo: release your inner miracles.” Dirk wondered if they had an orange-flavoured option. Fanta had recently stopped selling their product in Night Vale due to a lack of interest and the riots that happened whenever it was stocked on the shelves.

 

“It would appear that the sandstorm has now reached the outskirts of Night Vale. The Hooded Exiles have all retreated to their home in the dog park, which no one is allowed in or out of, and most citizens have done the same in their own homes. Good job, Night Vale, keep cowering!”

 

His phone began to ring. Dirk looked at the screen and perked just a little to see it was Jake. “Well, listeners, we have a surprise! Our resident scientist Jake is calling. Here, let me just….” He picked up the phone and answered. “Hi, Jake, you’re on speaker. Have you done anything sciency yet today?”

 

“Well, actually, this is about the sandstorm.” Jake’s caramel voice was a bit tinny thanks to the bad speaker quality on his phone. He really needed to get that fixed. “It seems like it’s opening some kind of warp to another universe. A strange man that looks an awful lot like me has appeared in the middle of my lab and I’m not really sure what the dickens to do about it.”

 

A second Jake? Dirk raised an eyebrow. The town couldn’t handle that much perfection. “Well, be a good host and offer him a nice cup of spiders. That usually does the trick.”

 

“A cup of…. spiders? Uh, right. Just make sure people don’t go wandering into the sandstorm. We don’t know what this thing is capable-” A crash. “Oh, dear, I have to go. Not-me appears to misunderstand the fundamental use of- hey, hey, please put that down!” The line went dead.

 

“Well, that was eventful. You heard him, Night Vale, don’t go out into the sandstorm!”

 

Dirk leaned back in his chair, going on with his usual daily reports. He wasn’t really concerned with the sandstorm until his intern pounded on the glass and pointed to what appeared to be another intern in his office.

 

“It would appear Intern Nektan has met his double! You two get along, now. Wow, it’ll be really nice to get some help around here. Oh-” A paper was shoved, screaming, under his door. “One moment, listeners.” He stood and retrieved the paper, his lips thinning into a grim line as he read the report.

 

“Listeners, I have received a press release from Mayor Vagabond. Kill your double.” Dirk leaned close to the microphone, not even bothering to sit down. “Whatever you must do, whatever mental anguish it causes, you must kill your double. Do not let them survive. There can only be one. Become the one. Kill. Your. Double.” He cleared his voice and sat, his voice losing his ultra-serious tone and returning to its usual mostly-serious tone.

 

“And now, listeners- traffic.” He resumed his report, ignoring his interns squabbling in the intern booth. He was used to the commotions in the intern booth, so it didn’t much bother him too much.

 

What did bother him was the portal abruptly opening in the wall across from him.

 

“Listeners, a portal just appeared in the wall of my booth.” Dirk stated into the mic, staring at the swirling vortex. “Well. I suppose the only thing I can do is investigate, for science. Whatever I find there may help Jake figure out this whole doubles thing. So while I do that, I take you now-” Pause for dramatic effect- “to the weather.”

 

\----

 

“Oh, wow!” The voice that came over the airwaves when the weather ceased was definitely not Dirk. “What a quaint little office, isn’t it just adorable? Oh, Intern Mierfa! I see you made it here, too! Look at them, getting along so well. Giving each other proper hugs and just being real swell. Keep up the good work, Interns!”

 

The sound of a someone sitting in a chair, a momentary burst of static, and a giggle. “Boy, isn’t this old-fashioned. I’m so glad CrockerCorp came in and revamped my office. Ever since they came to Desert Bluffs, things have just been so much better! What’s this place called?” A pause. “Night Vale? Isn’t that just precious!”

 

It sounded like the stranger in the booth was spinning in Dirk’s chair while he spoke, his voice soft and dreamy. “I think CrockerCorp should come out here to this little town. It’d really boost the economy and the smiles! Intern Mierfa’s double doesn’t look so happy, after all. I couldn’t imagine being unhappy with CrockerCorp around! I’ll have to let John know so he can pass the word along.” A sigh, much like an anime character in love. “John is just the best. He can do anything!”

 

“Oh, the portal is closing. I hope to be back here soon to bring the Smiling God into everyone’s lives. Until next time!” A giggle, and then momentary silence.

 

\----

 

Dirk returned to his office with two dead interns in the other booth and a pale face. He wasn’t shaking, Striders didn’t get shaky, but what he had seen. Well. It was a little too much.

 

“I’m back, listeners.” He finally said. “First, sad news. It would appear that Intern Nektan and his double have successfully killed each other. There is no dominant one in that pair. It sort of looks like they lit the booth on fire somehow and burned to death. Their bodies are charred, still smoking, little more than ash and bone. To the families of Intern Nektan and his unnamed double, I extend my sincerest apologies. They will be missed.”

 

Dirk swallowed hard. “What I found on the other side of that portal is not something I would wish anyone to see. I will spare you the details, Night Vale. Know this: Desert Bluffs is messed up.” His eloquence momentarily left him and he sighed, rubbing his eyes underneath his shades. “I met another man in that portal. The other me. My double.”

 

“His hair was blue and it looked like there was some kind of candy in it. His clothes clashed horribly, too bright, and those shorts were ridiculous.” He shuddered. “It was all splattered in what appeared to be blood, and it wouldn’t surprise me if it was. Even his heart-shaped sunglasses were a mess. His smile was wide, too wide. He introduced himself as Dave and proceeded to try and strangle me.”

 

“I got away, luckily, and ran as quickly as I could. I made it out of the portal just in time for it to close behind me, hopefully sealing that…. that demon away.” Dirk pressed his fingers to his throat, wincing at the bruises.

 

“It appears the sandstorm has passed. I am without an intern, many are without loved ones but have gained doubles of their loved ones. Those that did not make it to their respective vortexes are trapped here now. Mayor Vagabond released another statement telling us not to kill these doubles and to instead welcome them with open arms. I disagree. I do not like these doubles. I do not trust these doubles. I do not enjoy these rumours of CrockerCorp moving into Night Vale. Something big is brewing, Night Vale, something dangerous is nearing. Be prepared for the worst. Stay vigilant. Pray to your gods, make repairs to your bloodstone circles now. I do not know what is ahead for our wonderful desert community, but the feeling of foreboding is thick in the air. I wish you all the best of luck, listeners, in the times to come." Dirk leaned in close to the mic. "Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.”


End file.
